‘We’re young and in love
And we’re running like the wind, we got it all
We’re never alone
If we got each other, we can save the world,’
‘Young and in Love’ by Michaelson, Album: Stranger Songs, 2019.
Red flowers, teddy bears, and chocolates are the hallmark staple of the days leading up to Valentine’s Day every year. To be young (at heart) and in love is a feeling beaten by a few other scenarios. We consider ourselves lucky to have found the love of our lives and ‘lived happily ever after’ feeling. Literally, it feels like being on top of the world or walking on the clouds.
This is for the lucky ones. Sunshine and drizzle. Sweets and parties. Home and family.
Most aren’t so lucky, however.
She was 15. Studying in grade 9 at a reasonably ‘expensive’ school, her daily form of commute was by a van. Her new van ‘waley bhai’ was always so well-dressed, hair and beard trimmed and did not smell of sweat at all. There had been some rumours about a girl getting romantically involved with ‘bhai’ but her parents had put an end to her studies and married her off in haste. She wondered, how can anyone not like ‘bhai’?
Being the eldest at home, she was frequently required to care for her younger siblings (a total of 5) before leaving for school. ‘Bhai’ was good enough to wait for her patiently. The other girls were so unkind. They just didn’t understand her situation. ‘Bhai’ did.
And when it got really bad that the mean girls started blaming her for late arrivals at school because of ‘her’ being late, ‘bhai’ was nice enough to seat her in the front with him.
One day, she remembered pretty well, her ‘abba’ had slapped her repeatedly at night as the younger ones’ kept crying (they weren’t well) and told her how ugly she was by face and spirit. Her mother would often use the same words for her if she ever made a mistake, which was often.
She bonded with ‘bhai’ on that day; now, W for her in private. How he valued her! Often getting her something to eat as she would be the last to drop off now in his van run.
She felt beautiful. She felt valued. ‘Love’ crept in her heart.
I met her some three months later, in the burns ward at a government hospital with more than half of her body burnt.
They had married secretly. But she had continued to live with her parents who suspected nothing. He would take her several times a week to a friend’s place for intimate moments.
Cutting a long story short, W had a wife and three children. The wife found out about their ‘love’ and raised hell. Thrown out of her parents’ place for disgracing her family, she was reduced to the status of a maid at her husband’s first wife’s home.
She got burnt in a ‘stove burst’ and eventually succumbed to injuries.
W and his wife continued living ‘happily’ with their four children, as the injuries were declared accidental.
This is not an isolated incident. I get to see and hear tens of stories. Some luckier than the others.
The characters remain the same with a few extras, now and then. The genders and names change. Circumstances vary.
The feeling of love, under the influence of raging hormones hoodwinks the victim into believing, this is it. Never again will I feel this way! Predators can make the victim feel worthy and special. Most vulnerable are those teenagers who come from a dysfunctional family. Their emotional needs unmet at home, they seek validation from outside.
Being ‘in love’ is so romantic. The thought of having someone special with whom you could take on the world is unmatchable. Chocolates, teddy bears, hearts, and roses make sense, but only for a day. Real life comes back after 24 hours. It is like the chiming of the clock at midnight when Cinderella goes back to real life and prince is not really a prince.
Happily ever after movies, fairy tales, novels and dramas (especially those with stark status differentials between the hero and the heroine) essentially tune the young minds out of reality.
I am anti-love? You may ask. Not at all.
I just want you to get into it with eyes wide open. Then, that wouldn’t be love, I hear you say. It will be, trust me, the kind that lives happily beyond the end.
Loving one’s own self should take precedence over every love that you may so desire. And this demands that you are empowered and in charge of your own life before you decide to share it with someone else.
So play, learn, live and love; in that order.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
The writer is medical doctor and currently serves as the Police Surgeon, Karachi.
