A typical weekday in the life of a working mother
I wake up at 7:30 am in order to send my 4-year-old toddler to school at 9:00 am. Once dropping him, I go to work where I don my super working woman hat. Once he arrives from school at my office where he will spend the day with me and his nanny, I deal with multiple messages from the nanny concerning him while I work. The child will occasionally barge in my office unceremoniously, wanting attention. Upon return to home after work following a quick grocery run, or a walk in the park, I will rush to the kitchen, ensuring that everything is in its place. I will make hot gol rotis for my child and husband and while the food is ready thanks to a ‘tiffin’ service, I will warm it up, feed the child dinner, give him a bath, read him 7 storybooks before he goes off to sleep very reluctantly.
‘We should address that:’ Passing the buck
We are driving back home from a relative’s while our toddler hums happily (and sleepily) under his breath, already forgotten that he has been rude to someone less than ten minutes ago. Toddlers have a notorious way of making you feel embarrassed by demonstrating their unwillingness to talk to people. Sometimes they ignore, other times they growl in anger at the sheer audacity of the person who has chosen to engage with them. In this particular incident, my toddler chose the latter. My husband turns to me and says, ‘You know, we should address that.’ I snort under my breath, knowing fully well that the ‘we’ will turn into ‘me’ which is to say that I will be left addressing this specific behavior.
Being true to my academic soul, I will research upon it extensively, watch a few videos that will help my child in such moments of hostile behavior, and then perhaps share them with his father hoping that the he will learn some of them too. But the brunt of the background work will fall upon me.
‘I want an off:’ A Working Mom’s worst nightmare
The nanny requests me for a week off extending beyond the three Eid days. Managing without the nanny while at work is a feat that requires the magical ability to be in two places at one time. How does a working day run without the nanny? The mother who either takes the day off from work (not always possible), or a mother who requests her colleagues or her family to step in. What about the husband, you may ask? The husband will wake up, leave for work, and then, if his work permits, arrive earlier at home to ‘help’ me. Because it is naturally the woman’s job to take care of the house and the children. At least that is the way the social world is structured.
The term ‘Second Shift’ is applicable to each scenario painted above. Popularised by sociologist Arlie Hochschild in her 1989 book, ‘The Second Shift: Working Parents and Revolution at Home,’ it relates to the unpaid labour that women in particular perform at home after completing their paid work outside the home. This unpaid labour involves household chores, childcare, cooking, cleaning and eldercare at times along with tons of emotional labour.
Social class privilege has a major influence in the amount and type of unpaid labour that women engage. The World Bank reports that on average, Pakistani women spend an average of 10.5 hours daily on unpaid labour. While physical labour may reduce for those women who work outside the house, the ‘mental load’ inevitably falls upon the shoulders of women. These trends continue due to the entrenched belief in traditional gender norms that view household as the domain of women. More alarming is that many women continue to believe that women are more ‘nurturing,’ and more ‘caring’ thereby more suited for such roles because nature has made them this way.
It also does not help that the capitalist market is structured in a way that most men hold paid jobs that do not allow them the flexibility required for household work and childcare. Men are ‘expected’ to work long hours, and have less-than-understanding bosses (obviously male in our patriarchal society) that do not want to understand what it takes to sustain a household. While I can mostly end my paid working day at 5:00 pm, it is unlikely that my husband will ever be able to leave his office at this time.
But it goes deeper than the capitalist organisation of our societies. The Covid-19 pandemic brought sharply to focus the amount of unpaid work that women do, even when their male partners are at home. Data from different parts of the world indicate that while both genders increased their unpaid work contributions during the pandemic lockdowns, pre-existing inequalities continued to disadvantage women disproportionately.
Research also indicates that women’s brains are more (socially) cued to pick up certain tasks that men fail to notice. A dirty counter sends women’s brains in a fight-or-flight response necessitating an immediate action whereas men’s brains simply do not register it. Children see their mothers performing caregiving duties thereby building their understanding that all of this is a woman’s job. My child sees me as the the default parent, and his father as the parent who ‘steps in’ when I am not around.
This holds true for most dual-income households. However, there are dangerous consequences of these trends. Taking on the lion’s share of unpaid work leads to burn out, creates resentment and poor mental health among women. Particularly for those who are well-aware of the ‘problem that now has a name.’
So dear women, (me included) start making changes now. Let others pick up the slack. Prioritise yourself.
Or as Rose Milligan writes,
Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?
The writer is Assistant Professor at CBEC, SIUT.
