‘Love is patient, love is kind. It is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends’ (Corinthians 13:4, Bible). An abbreviated version of this quote hangs as a wall painting behind our (my husband and mine) bed. I must confess: I picked this up as a gift for my husband on one of my international travels, when we were going through a particularly tumultuous period in our relationship, which was being tested in multiple ways; illness, familial strife, and much more. In many ways, it was a gift for our relationship, a reminder for us to demonstrate little acts of kindness and patience towards each other.
However, beyond this little anecdote, I use this biblical quote to highlight the main argument of this essay – love is not only a feeling but it is more than that. It is a way of relating to others, of signifying the importance of inter-connectedness of human beings. It is about actions, rather than ‘only’ verbal proclamations of love. It is about exhibiting and acting upon virtues, emphasised upon by nearly all religions in the world, which a good human being must possess.
But this is not what Hallmark would have us believe. As our shopping malls, candy and flower stores turn red and pink, inflated balloon hearts flutter all around us, and we overdose on heart-shaped chocolates (and regret it a month later when we stand on the weighing scale), we are also carried away with our lovers’ expectations, and the ultimate fights that ensue when they fail to meet our (mis)guided expectations. Hallmark would have us believe in ‘linear happy endings,’ about romantic notions of love, driven just by passion. But life is not a Hallmark card or a movie. Yet love is a fundamental human experience.
This begets the question: What is love?
The Canvas of Love
Since the beginnings of time, human beings have wondered about the notion of ‘love.’ It is not only a cultural phenomenon, it also forms an essential part of philosophical inquiry. It is the subject of poems, sonnets, songs, and novels therefore an eminent part of literary works. Sociologists, historians, and anthropologists have all considered this fundamental question. Clearly something big is going on there.
Is love a chemical reaction? Many neuroscientists would have us believe that. Evolutionary theorists would consider it to be a physical phenomenon, which primes human beings to copulate acting on their innate animalistic desire. Is love only an emotion? Psychologists have developed various theories that view love through this lens.
Interestingly, the root of the word ‘love’ can be found in both western and eastern traditions. In Old English, it has Germanic origin from the word lufu, which was used both as a verb and a noun to ‘describe deep affection or fondness.’ The verb part, for me, is obviously very important and will remain my main argument for this essay. In the eastern tradition, love is derived from the Sanskrit word, lubhyati which translates as ‘desires.’ In the latter, the meaning changes to become more carnal, or rooted in sexual desire or pleasure. The verb part over here is also quite central although not quite in the same way. But Sanskrit language is very rich. Some believe that the word prema provides a more encompassing worldview of love because it includes compassion, affection and also divine love for the Higher Self.
Love through the Ages
When making archeological digs into the Idea of Love, it is important to begin with the wisdom of the Greeks. Plato, in The Symposium, provides an in-depth discussion into love, as something that can never be understood in its entirety. One of his famous quotes on love describe it as, ‘simply the name for the desire and pursuit of the whole.’ The ‘whole’ is believed to be an attainment of beauty (not in the traditional sense of the word), and knowledge that transcends sensual attraction.
For many philosophers, therefore, love was regarded as transcendental, beyond the physical desire, something that almost had a divine status. How then did the notions of love change, as we now view them in contemporary times?
While Plato and Aristotle considered ‘romantic’ love in their broad categories of love, the trope of a lover seeking a beloved did not arise much later. This idea of romantic love arose in the Renaissance period (around 14th to 17th Century), and flourished more so in the Age of Romanticism. Poets celebrated love by composing beautiful pieces of writings that viewed the beloved as an object of worship and devotion. An underlying theme was that of chivalry, of love being regarded as a noble pursuit rooted in sacrifice.
The Period of Enlightenment in Europe ushered a fundamental shift. An important recurring component of this period was autonomy that laid the foundation for romantic love to be considered as a personal experience, beyond the confines of traditional social norms and expectations. But the period of Romanticism which placed emotions and feelings at the center stage played a key role in influencing present notions of love – romantic love started to be viewed through the lens of passion.
And this is where the chasm occurred in both our ideological understanding and practice of love. With autonomy and personal fulfillment as one of the core values during this time, love began to be associated with personal fulfilment and emotions. This stood in opposition to how it was viewed previously, with an emphasis on virtues and action-oriented duties that nourish and sustain romantic love. Phrases such as ‘falling in love,’ ‘being swept off your feet’ and ‘struck by Cupid’s arrow’ conveyed a sense of passivity within romantic love. Passion ruled. The verb in the love diffused.
Love in the Relational Web
In contemporary times, love has been romanticised as a whirlwind of emotions, something that ‘happens’ to us. This has taken away the intentionality that characterises interactions between two people who claim to one another. Intentionality prompts action, and here, I do not refer to grand gestures of love that crop up on Valentine’s Day with balloons and candy. Love, as an action, means showing up for your partner and requiring commitment. The latter has now become an integral part of many psychological theories of love. This is not to say that love ought to lose all its passion and become devoid of desire. But passion without inculcating and practicing the virtues of patience, honesty, humility, and sacrifice remains empty.
Shakespeare, associated with the Renaissance period, captures this commitment inherent in love with a poetic intensity in his Sonnet 116:
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixèd mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken
And here is a message for all the lovers: you can be romantic (do your poetry, proclaim your desires) but also choose to withstand the ravages of time (practice your virtues).
The writer is our Managing Editor and Assistant Professor at SIUT, CBEC.
